|
gelatinemonkey
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Scott
Location: Ithaca, New York, United States
Birthday: 6/8/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: -- Passions --
God & everything about Him.
-- Activities --
Soccer(indoor & out), Ultimate Frisbee, video games, & drawing -- Philippians 3: 8-12 --
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ & be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God & is by faith. I want to know Christ & the power of His resurrection & the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, & so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Expertise: An expert at nothing but receiving grace for messing up and failing miserably, being broken before Him and letting Him put me back together, and becoming a relearner of everything I forget so easily.
Occupation: Student / Disciple
Message: message me
AIM:  gelatinemonkey
MSN: Xonia@live.com
Member Since:
1/30/2004
 True
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| I can`t access gmail from my school computer, so I`m writing here. I`m at my school, and everyone is very nice. Better go now! | | |
| It all changes tomorrow.
/puts on a bold face
Let's do this! Wooooooooo!
/silently whimpers inside
Now I know a little more how Moses felt, perhaps.
God bless, all. | | |
| Down, but not out
Psalm 10 [link]
Feeling(s): Down, mocked, alone, comparing, hopeful, preyed upon, saved, call to God, desiring justice
I can totally feel this tonight. The writer speaks of instance after instance of those who are beaten and knocked down. People who rely on God who are not in a good position. This once again should be a sign that NOT all Christians are going to always be in the "health and wealth" state.
How do they get there? One could easily jump to the conclusion of "non-Christians!" but I fear that is not the correct answer. How easy if it was, perhaps, but it's wrong. It seems to me to be the thought process of that which is not lined up with God's Will. The person, while outlined here as "wicked", is never explicitly stated as being one or the other. The actions are all, though, lined up as being against God's desire, or what He would want.
This leads us to the downcast feeling of the author. Bad stuff happens and it stinks! Where does God seem to be in all of this? It seems like He's far off.
The author then calls out to God to "get up." Not that God's asleep, but that He's waiting or holding -- holding for something we don't see or get. He calls God to action now. I tend to believe this is a right and proper action, given a healthy respect, as well, for knowing God knows best in the end. It's not wrong to ask God for stuff. =P It's wrong to demand it or say you know better, though, in my opinion.
The author ends with his faith in God. He ends with his reason for why he trusts God. He knows how it ends. Maybe not this side of eternity, but how it really ends. God sees and moves. Those in distress are answered -- in God's time.
It's the perfect upswing to end on. No guarantee, no amazing revelation, just the truth. Times now still stink, but we believe God will move. With that hope and future in mind, we move forward. We continue to trust and believe. We let God be God, and try to surrender our desire for infinite control.
Oh, to master that skill.
Heavenly Father, thank You for taking control. Every time I try I get worn out and falter so easily. I get frustrated and upset quickly. I forget things and I fall flat on my face. I cannot do it, for it is too much of a burden and weight. I need help shouldering it, and I don't mean just a little. Abba, let Your Name be praised. Times may seem rough, but You are still God. Let us also not forget that after times get better, too. Please aid us, Lord. Right now, I'm lacking housing for a few days after I get to Japan and go to my prefecture. I've exhausted all my resources, and all that's left is to hope in the English aid at my school. Please be with him, and help Him to come to know You more somehow because of this. I pray I do not come off as a poor image of You, or that it might be used later to build or do something I otherwise would not have been able to. May my failures show You to be strong, and to be who You truly are -- God.
Amen.
==================================================================
Umm... hope this is just my laptop having issues
State: Restless
Hmm, something weird must be going on, because I lost a whole lot of options for manipulating my posts. I can't even bold or italicize anything.
I got my laptop back from getting it repaired. Turned out it wasn't, really. They fixed a few things, but the graphics are still wonky. I can also use my zxv keys, too; however, in replacing it, my "." key sticks now. Joy of joys. =P
I'll probably send it in for repairs later, but for now it's the fastest way I'll have for contacting family once I head to Japan. Just kinda wish they'd done their job, and not just "install something new and "Oh, it turned on! All better!" Sorry, a bit frustrated. I'm sure they tried out more stuff, but clearly they didn't play with it for a super long time (even though their "3 day normal turnaround once they get to it" took them 3 weeks to get to it, sheesh!). They must be super busy, so I can understand that.
I'm 3 days from heading to Japan, really. I'm super nervous. Well, not super nervous, but restless moreso. I don't feel entirely prepared, I'm not really satisfied with the stuff I'm doing here right now, and I'm worried about how rough the "beginning" of getting there is going to be. Hoping it's a little smoother than I'm expecting.
I'm going to miss everyone, especially my wife. Just a few weeks before she can come, too. Life's just going to completely change. I don't even know much of ANYTHING past a week from right now. That's... quite weird to think about.
I need to book my hotel tickets in Japan, so please give me a minute.
Life is so interesting...
In an attempt to save money, I decided to try and book a hotel until I could get a permanent place in Japan. This has turned out poorly. I tried to do it on my own, instead of taking a way where my English aid (the wonderful, wonderful person) would have to do more work. Instead, there's no hotels from the list I had who have an open room. Now (a week before I go), I have no hotels I can contact and I must ask my aid to try and scramble to find someplace for me to stay. I feel so horrible. Now he's burdened with extra work, and I've made myself and my country look bad before even getting there (or so I feel). -_-"
After not being able to book a hotel, wife asks me where our money pouch is that we brought from my parents'. For about 20 minutes we had NO idea. I knew I'd taken it down and thought I'd remembered where I packed it, but totally forgot. I have never felt so inept in my entire life (well, maybe, but it'd be close). We found it, though -- tucked into a pocket I simply have no idea why I put it there in the least obvious piece of luggage I'd taken with me. Great job, me.
Things are starting to get to me. Not emotionally as much, but mentally. I've had my emotional ride already, but now is my mental one.
Life... y u so like u always are?!
It's all in God's hands. It's all I could say over and over tonight. On nights like tonight, sometimes it's much harder to really believe than normal, though.
I want to finish the book of Psalms (and the rest of what I've yet to finish). Time to get back on track, hopefully.
God bless, all. | | |
| I feel... everything. Well, not everything. Perhaps I should restate my meaning: I am not talking about that which is tactile.
Happy/Joy: I know I make a fuss about the difference. Disregarding that (hypocrite!), I am joyous that what wife and I have felt called to (and wanted) is finally in process of happening. Finally, we're headed back.
Sadness: We're leaving behind, well, pretty much everything minus our clothes, some cooking utensils, and whatever else we can stuff into our suitcases. This will probably involve more pairs of socks and underwear than we'd care to mention. The sadness, though, is in the "loss" of those we love. Do I want to leave them? No way! I'd love to bring them along; however, this isn't a "fun move." This isn't a "plan a road trip" kind of move. This is a "it's going to cost you $4k to get here, then not know a thing about what's going on for however long you plan to stay (minus the total of losing 24+ hours in just plane travel time)" kind of thing. The "actually, it'll be more than $4k if the US economy decides to keep roller-coaster-ing downhill" kind of move. A "there's almost a 100% chance the cat I've had since 5th grade will be dead by the time I come back" kind of move. The "all my friends say they wish they could come, and they all most likely honestly mean it, but there's about a 1% chance any of them actually would/will" kind of move.
Worry: Crap... I still don't know nearly enough Japanese. And... I have never taught English before, let alone to high school students. I don't even know where I'll be living when I get there! Did I plan enough? What if... (fill in the blank).
Excitement: Japan! I love the country, customs, and there ARE currently several people who we know already in Japan. I also love the food.
Worth: Finally... I can help support our family with a "respectable" income. One which does not force my wife to have to work.
Unworthiness: Why did they choose me? Why did God choose me? I'm such a filthy sinner, completely unworthy of getting something I've wanted. I mean, I've tried to turn His desires into mine, too... but still I don't feel like I should even be allowed to be close to receiving any of those things, given my past merit, actions, and proven "worth." How did I ever meet their qualifications?
Hope: What will Japan bring? What new things will I be exposed to and learn? How will I grow, and how will I grow others? I can't wait to see what I've gotten myself (and wife) into.
Pragmatic: WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO!?
Nostalgia: I'm headed back! I've always felt home there.
Interested: I can't wait to take on an entirely different country where I KNOW there will be a seemingly infinite number of new, interesting things to see, do, learn, and try to comprehend!
Lonely: My first few weeks there will be by myself... I've never been to Japan by myself... and I've never been there prepared for a longer term than just a few weeks.
Medical: What if something goes wrong? Though I have seen a TON of improvement in my overall health and diabetes whenever I've been before...
Angry: I'm angry that I can only take so much on the plane! =P
I have recently, and especially to a fault, prided myself in my ability to try and sort through emotions, see to God's reality, and to focus on that and that alone. Any one feeling can be easily combated and thrown into the fire as I move forward toward God's plan and the truth -- toward my future. I have always known, somewhere inside, He would carry me through. I would not be given more than I could bear.
Even now, I can say I fully believe that, but sorting through what feels like a "d20 roll's worth of emotions" is not the same thing. There are too many for me right now, and they seem to be rolling up randomly and without any self control. I mentioned before that I usually don't get super nervous until about a week before I go. Well, I'm at 12 days and I've been hit twice with it. I know I will again.
I'm not really worried, per se. It's not like I expected what I'd be doing would really be that easy or that I'd be just as calm or composed as normal. I expected the feathers to be a bit more ruffled than usual. Tonight, I just thought about how basically, tomorrow (or today now) will be my last full day with both my parents. Dad gets 2 days off a week and neither are weekends.
I have always felt close to my parents. I likely always will. I struggle with truly understanding the concept of love. It's because they've always been there that I know... and it's the only way I can currently really feel like I know it. It's a bit of a blast when you know, "They're not going to be there anymore, really." Not because they've left, but I have. I guess you could say in a way I almost feel like I'm a bad son, or telling them I don't love them.
Now of COURSE I know that's not the case. They don't think it, and I'm not doing it; however, all my experience leads my emotions to sense otherwise. It was easy to put off thinking that way when I knew I was coming back very soon or still in the US. This time... well, it's different.
I'm just confused and unable to "re-balance" myself because there are too many emotions hitting me all at once. No sooner can I attempt to resolve one, than another comes and fills it's place -- after dealing with that one, the old one is back.
I feel many things. I think that's how it should be. I am not upset with my feelings. I am trying to embrace and understand them. In the end, I know God is supreme and He is in control. There are times to shake off the feelings which are distractions and not real, and to replace them with the Truth. To focus on Him and let Him be what I need -- my rock through troubled times.
But the feelings... they're still there. Through it all, they will still try to deceive.
As they still are, right now...
I pray my focus and resolve will remain where they should be -- on the Truth. That God would grant me and carry me through, for by my own power I know I will give in to my feelings. They are too much right now. Too much for me, alone, to handle.
God bless, all.
| | |
| Not to be confused with "a lot of thoughts."
I don't really know why, but I ended up thinking about Lot a few moments ago. I've been doing my QTs on past where I've stopped writing them in here, and first off I've been struck by how many of the psalms post- Psalm 10 are mimicking how I've been feeling lately.
Anyway, today I hit Psalm 18, I think. I started to wander a bit, but I was struck with a thought on Lot -- specifically Genesis 19.
God's wrath is coming, and what does He say to Lot?
"Hurry and get out!"
Well, His angels say it to them. That command strikes me as interesting in a way I hadn't thought of before.
First, many churches (especially evangelical in nature) tend to have the mindset of "do anything to bring them to Christ!" Now not actually anything, but the sentiment remains. In fact, perhaps even to the point of exalting moreso the story of Jonah. At least exalting the idea of "Jonah had to get there to pronounce judgment to save them before it was too late!" Yes, Jonah ran away. Yes, he was NOT a spectacular speaker when he got there; however, the idea implanted (at least in my experience) seems to be that we must head in despite the danger and get the message out!
Verses also pointed out many times to me are those in Hebrews which speak of the prophets who came and had no place to stay, were killed, maimed, destroyed, and treated with contempt -- yet they will be revered highly by God.
I think of the story of the 100 hidden away, which is also interesting to me. Obadiah goes to every extent to keep them alive. But it also ties into my thought for Lot. They're hiding, not out sharing God's Word NO MATTER WHAT.
Now, I'm not saying we should drop all attempts, haha. I'm still going to Japan, after all. What I am saying, though, is that based on a few examples here there are some times when reaching out... is not what God wants.
It's easy to say at church, "We're not reaching out!" We almost all wish we were, but we don't. We wish it was "Easy" or that the words came naturally, or that we wouldn't possibly lose a friend. Whatever the reason, we don't, though. Our church's answer, then, is to promote how important it is that we DO say something.
Then we get so caught up in trying to fix the problem of saying nothing that we convince ourselves that we need to say EVERYTHING. We invent (or maybe just me) this idea then, that it's almost noble for us to be willing to run into the burning building to try and save someone.
We forget that the people who are in there... are there for a reason, which is why this metaphorical building is not on fire "by accident." It's that way for a reason -- Sodom and Gomorrah are going to be taken out for a reason.
Back to the original point before this get side-tracked. There are times when sharing is NOT the best option. There are times when sharing... is too late. Everyone gets a chance, but not infinite chances.
This matches perfectly with the reality of our God. Once we die, if we've not accepted Him then Hell is our just "reward." The same way here -- you don't get infinite chances. You get a chance, maybe even a good many, but there comes a point when... that's it.
Hard to admit, hard to know when... but interesting to know that God told Lot to "pull out." One might brand Lot a "bad Christian" for not staying until the ship sunk. Well, he gets branded that for a few other reasons, but anyway -- it's interesting. Never gave it much thought. Guess I missed out on something for it.
God bless, all.
| | |
|
